September 15, 2006
... You're kidding, right? No? Crap.
Thursday, September 14 6:00 PM ROYAL ONTARIO MUSEUM
Direct quote: "Abeni represents the best of Nollywood" - Cameron Bailey
If this is the best they've got, and they're producing 1,000 films a year (that's what the guy there said), then I am absolutely appalled at the waste of film that this represents.
The first thing you'll notice in this film are the sound effects. I recognized them instantly, from 70's era Kung Fu movies. Sound effects that are awesome in a movie like Master Of The Flying Guillotine are equally awful in a romantic comedy.
The next thing you'll notice is the acting, it falls in one of two categories: Flat And Wooden Delivery or Completely Over-The-Top Overacting. I kid you not.
Right after that you'll notice the terrible cinematography. It looks like it was shot by someone with a hand camera and instructions to "stand over there, out of the way, and don't move". Yes, the return of the amazing UNsteady cam. I don't think I saw a single interesting shot in the whole movie.
Overall, you know what it reminded me of? Bad porn. It's like their huge film industry is all porn, and some director decided to try making a more "family-oriented" movie and this is the result. I'm not kidding here, almost every part of the movie is either totally unbelievable or obviously forced. Sometimes both.
The story. It's actually an interesting tale of this guy (who sings and dances, singing and dancing takes up the better part of the first half of the movie. By "dancing" I mean "guys rubbing up against hot girls", and by "singing" I mean "awful music that I didn't like at all") and his childhood sweetheart. Seperated at a young age, they reconnect accidentally in adulthood. He's engaged and you don't really see his fiancee from that point on because he pretends she doesn't exist unless she's right in front of him (apparently messing around on your wife is an honourable tradition, since it's unremarkable here), and she's suddenly got an arranged marriage. So they conspire to overcome all obstacles and get married to each other somehow. This should be an inspiring story, and the brother who just got back from America (the other half of the arranged marriage) is a total running joke that should be hilarious, but I nearly fell asleep.
So I'm hoping that Nollywood is burned to the ground and that something worthwhile might rise from the ashes.
Good god, it was so bad.